Why am I not in the nut house?

The past couple of years have been pretty hectic.  My marriage of 22 years (a relationship of 25) has ended in divorce. Finalized just 2 weeks ago. I never thought I would find myself here, but I know for sure, that this is the best place I can be.  It's been years since I felt the kind of love a woman should have for her husband. But, we got along alright, and we have 3 girls to raise. I've never been a quitter, and was prepared to wade through the mud of mediocrity until that job was done. If my spouse has done just one thing right since our marriage began, it was  finding the balls to file for divorce. "Free at last, free at last! Thank God, almighty, I'm free at last"!.

Last month, my attorney asked me "How the hell did you stay married to that idiot for so long"? Good question. Glenn is not a bad person, but he is a social moron most of the time. I made excuses for his odd behavior, blaming his asshole parents for sending him away at the age of 10, because they didn't want to deal with his learning disabilities. He lived separated from a normal "family life" until graduating from high school. A while back, one of my twins (age 12) was diagnosed with Aspergers' syndrome (Autism). I remember reading through her psychologist's report. It described her father to a T.  It all made perfect sense. And I  realized his tendency to act like an asshole  most of the time, was really not my fault. Whew! What a relief! When you're raised catholic, you subconsciously blame every bad thing that happens on yourself.  Glenn perpetuated this thinking, by also blaming me.

So, how did the relationship last 25 years? Familiarity. Glenn is my mother. Deep down, both are good, loving people. That's what I hang on to. But, both are very good at playing the role of victim, and making you some how feel responsible for their misery.  I can't recall a single time that my mother paid me a compliment. Yet, looking back, I was a pretty amazing kid. I was a good artist, a great seamstress, a very good student, an accomplished athlete. I did my chores, didn't back talk,  I never got into trouble. ('Got the belt once for spilling paint on my bedroom rug).  I got my first job at age 14... just 2 weeks after I shedding the crutches I'd been stuck with for 10 months (hip injury). Yet, I clearly recall my motivation for that job. To earn my own way. To never hear again from my mother, about the burden of raising 7 children. How much I cost every month, every day.  Basically, what a general pain in the ass it was to have me around. This impression of my Mom, real or not, drove me out of the house at age 17, with the determination to succeed, and never, ever go back.

This misguided battle for independence has served me well, most of the time. But, in retrospect, it has also made me an easy target for "users".  Glenn used me to stabilize his wanderlust. I assumed the "responsible role", holding a steady job, with benefits. Always able to provide everything we needed. He changed careers, hobbies, dreams, did what ever pleased him.  My stubborn desire for independence has not been limited to finances, but to other "needs". I've never wanted to "need" anyone. So, I learned how to do things, usually by teaching myself. I went to the NW school of wooden boat building, and worked as a joiner, building interiors on mega million $ yachts. That helped to perfect my wood working skills. I've built cabinets and custom furniture. I gutted bathrooms, and taught myself how to do copper plumbing, tile, fixtures, electrical, framing. I've built decks, landscaped huge yards, you name it. Most of this I learned, in spite of Glenn's extensive experience in the construction trades. I learned to do it, because he wouldn't. I hate having to rely on someone else to do something. At the same time, I've always resented the idea that because I can do, I should. So, I learned to resent Glenn. He never did anything I wanted him to do, nor anything that needed to be done.  It pissed me off.  I was my own worst enemy, for having learned. I did everything! The yard, the house, the kids, the money... everything! He did what he wanted. This drove me fucking crazy!

I assume that everyone who grew up with a serious involvement in team sports, knows what it means to have someone's back. Certainly, those of us in Law enforcement know how important that is.  That is a sense, so deeply set in my conscience,  I tend to forget not everyone has it.  I have you, I've got this, I'm looking out for you. More so, do NOT ever mess with the people I care about! The defense and care of those close to me, is primal.  It's how a momma bear  is with her cubs. Glenn didn't get that. He never had my back.  I made a big mistake a few years back, and stood up for him on an issue he was very angry about. I backed him up, in spite of my disagreement with it. He was my husband... I had to. I led the charge, to confront the issue that bothered him so much. And when I did, he ran away, left me swinging in the breeze. I'm left there, taking the fall out, and the heart breaking consequences of my decision to support him. He jumped ship. I've never been able to forgive him for that.  In retrospect, I know I should not have taken up his cause. It was a serious lesson for me. Oh, I still find myself sticking my neck out for people, only to get a good whack on the head for it. But, I take solace in knowing that I still have a few people in my life, who would drop everything, and be there for me, if I ever conjure up the guts to ask for help. The asking is extremely difficult for me.

I love my friends. Those of us who have been friends through thick and thin, in difficult times and joyous. We've been living our lives, separated by miles, but never in heart.